What You've Done to Me
by OriginalPippie
Summary: Bam tells a story about how he's been going through some tough times.
1. Chapter 1

Right now I'm slowly getting my life back together. It's been really rough for me for quite sometime. I was in a deep depression and in and out of therapy, but I think I'm ready to be happy again. I know it's not going to be easy, considering what I've already gone through, but I'm going to try my best to get myself back to normal… to being happy… to just having a life again…

Bam shook his head and brushed his hair back with his hand. He closed his eyes and took a breath, as Missy stood across from him, wide-eyed and stunned.

"Missy I'm sorry I yelled at you like that, but you know I've been under a lot of stress lately."

"Well I know but that's still no reason to call me that!"

"I said that I'm sorry! Fuck, Missy, everyone's been trying to get me to do all kinds of things at once and I feel like I have to say yes to everyone. MTV wants me to appear on this show and this show, my team manager wants me to do these demos and make these appearances, I was asked to do like three different commercials and endorse some bullshit that I don't remember what it is. I haven't been able to take time to relax at all and I have problems to deal with at home. I don't know if Novak's going to stay sober or not, I got these kids trying to break onto the property and camp out on the lawn hoping that I'll spend time with them. And if I don't then I'm made out to be the biggest asshole. And on top of all that it seems like all we ever do any more is fight!"

Missy placed her hands on Bam's shoulders firmly and got him to look directly at her.

"Bam just calm down. I know what you've been going through lately, and I understand how stressed you would be about it. You just need to take some time to relax and think through everything."

"Missy… I wish I could just drop everything for a little while. Believe me, I feel like I'm about to have a break down if I don't get away from everything soon."

"Then… do it. Drop everything. Get out of here if you have to."

"I really should." He covered his face and then pushed his hair back again

"If you keep doing that you're going to rub the hair off of your head."

Bam rolled his eyes and dropped his hands to his side.

"You're right. I need to get out of here. And the sooner the better."

From what I remember, I didn't waste any time in leaving. I packed a bunch of clothes and went in the lambo, and I just drove. I didn't care where I was headed. At first I wasn't even planning on spending any time around any one. I was just driving to get away from everyone and everything. But then I guess I started feeling lonely just being by myself on the road. Something inside of me felt like I should go find one of my friends, that I haven't seen in a while, that wasn't in Pennsylvania. I guess I felt like I needed to be around someone I could just pour my heart out to and they wouldn't tell me what they thought I should do. I needed someone who would just listen to me bitch and just comfort me. There was only one person like that that came to mind. I knew I had to go see her.

"Bam?" She asked quietly in the darkness as she opened the door "Bam what are you doing here? And so late?"

"I needed to get away from everything for a while. What time is it any way?"

"It's about 1:30."

"Everyone's asleep, right?"

"Yeah. In fact I was going to go to bed myself. But come in."

"I'm sorry I didn't call before I came, Marie."

"It's ok just… let's go to my room and relax, ok?"

"Yeah…"

Bam and Marie quietly went down the dark hallway to her bedroom. She opened the door a little and made sure her cat wasn't going to run out of the room, before they entered. Bam sat his backpack on the floor and Marie walked over to the bed.

"You don't mind sleeping in here with me, do you?"

"Um… no I guess not."

"You could always sleep on the couch or on the floor in the living room."

"No this will be fine. We can share your bed."

"Just don't get any ideas."

"I won't."

"Nothing but SLEEPING. Got that?"

"I KNOW! God."

"Just making sure. Oh and by the way… Would it bother you if I slept without my pajama pants?"

"Not really. Would it bother you if I slept in just boxers?"

"Not particularly."

"Good. I guess I should put some on then." He said with a grin

She laughed a little "Yeah that might help."

"Um… should I go into another room to change?"

"Not unless you want to."

"Ok."

Bam picked up his backpack and opened it up. As Bam was putting his boxers on, Marie had turned around to take her contacts out. She pulled the covers back and crawled into bed and then waited for Bam. Bam walked around to the other side of the bed and lied down. He turned on his side, facing Marie and looked at her.

"Thanks for letting me stay here tonight."

"No problem." She yawned "But in the morning we're going to talk about why you're here in the first place."

"I knew you were going to do that."

"Do what?"

"Bring up talking."

"Well you didn't expect to show up here in the middle of the night without me wanting to know why, did you?"

Bam grinned "Well no."

"Well ok then. We're talking about it tomorrow."

"Fine."

Marie turned out the light and turned away from Bam. Even though it was dark in the room, Bam was still watching her.

"Good night Bam."

"Night."

Bam knew she was falling asleep as he lied there watching her. He felt so comfortable sharing the bed with her right then. He knew that she was the only girl he would, and could share a bed with and have any sexual urges be the furthest thing from his mind. At that moment he knew that he had made the right decision.


	2. Chapter 2

part two

I don't really remember much of that night, except for the fact that I hardly got any sleep. Everything was just way too heavy on my mind. The next day I had explained everything to Marie and she and her roommates had agreed to let me stay there as long as I needed. It was nice of them but I wasn't able to let out a sigh of relief just yet. In fact things were about to take a different, and quite unexpected turn.

Bam and Marie spent much of the day just talking and hanging out. In the morning alone, Bam had poured out most of what was weighing heavy on his heart. They sat in her bedroom talking to each other and relaxing. They had both stretched out comfortably, with Bam looking up towards the ceiling much like a therapist's patient. (In a way he felt as though he was) Marie lay on her side, facing Bam, and held her head up by her elbow. Bam glanced over at her and then moved closer to her, turning into a position that mirrored hers. Then without thinking, he placed a hand behind her on the bed, pulling himself a little closer to her. He paused and looked at her, catching something deep within her eyes. Without realizing it or intending on it, he began to feel something for his friend that never was there before. She looked back into his eyes and grinned slightly as if she knew what he was feeling right then.

"Bam?" She asked softly

"Hmm?"

"You want to kiss me, don't you?"

Bam slowly nodded his head and his voice dropped "Mmmhmm…"

"You're not going to are you?"

"I shouldn't…" He said in a somewhat sensual whisper

"It would be wrong if you did."

"I know."

He moved a little closer and lightly placed his hand on the side of her face. His lips softly touched hers for a brief moment. He pulled back just enough to look into her eyes again, before giving her another, deeper and longer kiss. They both knew that it was wrong, but as the moment it felt right. Bam paused and then crawled on top of her as he continued the kiss.

I stayed there for a few more days. Things between Marie and I had gotten to a weird place. We wanted, and knew that we should, to stay just friends but we couldn't help smooching every once in a while. But we only did that when no one was looking. We weren't dumb, however, we knew that her roommates had a pretty good idea that we weren't just talking everything we went into Marie's room, but they never said anything about it to us. The more time I spent with Marie, the better I felt about myself and the things I had left behind at home. Not only did I feel better about it, I was beginning to be ready to face it all. But that was before I got the news.

Marie laughed as Bam tickled her neck with his wild, playful kisses. He held her firm in his arms so she wouldn't be able to get away. And being that they were on her waterbed made it even harder for her to move away from him.

"Bam!"

"What?" He asked in between kisses

"Stop that!" She laughed and then pushed him away

"What's the matter, Marie?" He asked with a broad smile "You didn't like that?"

"Actually that's the thing. I liked it a little too much."

"So?"

"Well you know we shouldn't get carried away like that."

"Well it's not like regular kissing is less cheating than doing the things I want to do to you."

"Where are you going with that, Bam?"

"Well I mean that…" His cell phone rang, interrupting his thoughts "Hold on Marie." He checked his phone to see who was calling "Oh it's Jess."

Bam answered his phone and placed a hand on Marie's leg.

"Yo Jess. What's up?"

"So I take it you're not at home."

"No I'm not. In fact I'm not even in Pennsylvania."

"Well I guess that doesn't matter where you are anyway. I'm still going to tell you what I need to tell you."

"Well what is it?"

"First of all, Missy has all ready filled me in on what's been going on with you lately."

"Yeah?" Bam ran his hand up and down Marie's leg before she pushed it off

"Well this is something that you probably would need to hear the least right now. But you still have to know about it."

Bam's expression grew serious and he got a bad feeling in his gut "Ok… what is it?"

"Bam… it's about Ville. He um… he died."

Bam gasped and his eyes widened "W-what? How?"

"He hung himself…"

Bam shook his head and tried to choke back tears "No… no Jess you're lying… Ville wouldn't do that. He wouldn't."

"Bro I'm sorry…"

Tears began to fall and his lip trembled "No that's not true… Ville wouldn't do that… please tell me it's not true…"

"I can't, Bam. They found him in his room…"

Bam couldn't bear to hear the rest, so he flipped his phone closed and dropped it on the bed. He brought his hands up to his face and cried into them for a second. Marie moved closer to him and put a hand on his back.

"Bam what's the matter?"

He sniffed and pulled his hands away from his face "V-Ville… Ville committed suicide…"

She gasped "Oh God…"

Bam turned toward Marie and fell forward into her arms. He placed his chin behind her shoulder and held onto her tight as they both began to cry. Neither of them, Bam especially, knew what to do at that moment.

"This isn't happening…" He said with a sniff "It can't really be happening…"

Marie, even though she was crying as well (though not as much as Bam), held onto Bam and rubbed his back, allowing him to cry.


	3. Chapter 3

Part three

As much as I wanted to stay there with Marie I knew I had to go home then. I couldn't make the flight arrangements to Finland, for Ville's funeral; myself because I knew I wouldn't be able to speak over the phone in order to get the tickets. So Missy, or Novak, or Seth… I don't remember… got the tickets for me. I remember being so devastated that I had no idea what was going on before and during the flight. I didn't even realize that we were on the plane fore quite sometime after it took off. My mind just wasn't able to focus on anything. I don't even think I said more than one or two words at a time to anyone most of the time. When we got to the hotel I think I just stood there by the door for a little bit before Missy said anything to get me to respond to her. Even then I wasn't all there. It took all I could in order to pay attention to whatever conversations we were having. The thing that I remember the most about the actual funeral was it seemed like the moment I walked into the funeral home I started to cry and I don't think I was able to stop crying until we got back to the hotel. During the funeral, however, I'm pretty sure that people were coming up to me to try to provide me with comforting words, but all I could think about was how badly I was hurt.

After the funeral when we came home, I went straight up to my bedroom and I buried myself in my own sorrow on the bed. I didn't even bother to change out of my clothes from the funeral. All I cared about then was lying there in bed. It's all I had the energy for.

Bam lay there clutching his pillow and staring at whatever was across from him. Tears slowly rolled down his face as he remained completely motionless. He had barely moved, slept, and hadn't spoken for three days since he came home from Ville's funeral. People had come into and left the room many times, trying to talk to him, but they never got a single response. They quickly decided that the only thing that they could do was leave him alone and let him come to them once he was ready.

One morning while Missy and Novak were eating breakfast, Bam slowly came downstairs to where they were. His eyes were red and swollen and there were stains on his face from crying. He also had a bit of a zombie-like appearance from lack of sleep. Missy looked up at him once he entered the room.

"Bam…" She said softly "It's nice that you finally got out of bed."

"Hmph…"

"Do you want any breakfast?"

"Whatever…" He mumbled

Bam shuffled over to the sink and poured himself a glass of water. He slowly sipped the water and he walked over to the table to sit down. He kept his gaze away from the faces of the other two near by him and continued to sip his water.

"Bam?"

He looked at Missy "What?"

"Are you hungry?"

"No." He looked away

"So you don't want any breakfast?"

"No."

"You haven't eaten a thing in days."

"I don't care."

"At least let me fix you something to eat."

He looked at her, making it clear with his expression that he was irritated "Missy please stop talking about me eating." He said sternly "In fact stop talking all together." He looked away and took a sip of water.


	4. Chapter 4

Part four

That was the beginning of my depression right there. I know I was just beginning to grieve Ville's death, but I was about to get a lot worse. For a couple weeks I did the usual depression thing; lied around barely moving, I hardly spoke to anyone. Sometimes I ate and what I ate was like "comfort foods" and I ate a lot of it. But mainly I just wallowed in my own self pity. Yeah I was a real wreck. But there is one moment that happened early on in my depression that will always stick with me.

Bam lay on the couch with his face buried in is arms. He had spent much of the day there in that position. Part of the time no one was sure if he was crying silently or sleeping. Everyone just left him alone the whole time so they never found out.

At one point Novak went over to the jukebox and started to play some music. Bam didn't budge as some of his favorite songs were being played. The next song that began to play happened to be one by HIM. As soon as Bam heard Ville's voice, he shot straight up with an expression that was a combination of fear, shock, and anger. He shook his head and kept himself from crying before getting up. He rushed over to the jukebox and unplugged it before running upstairs to his bedroom. The door slammed behind him and he sat bed and burst into tears.

After a while, Bam came back downstairs. He avoided eyes contact with anyone and went straight to the couch with a quart of ice cream. Missy sat down next to him and looked at him as he ate.

"Bam I think we should talk about this."

"About what?"

"This way you've been since Ville died."

He dropped his spoon into the ice cream and looked at her "I'm not talking about that!"

"I really think you should. We're all grieving right now but you're just slipping away."

"I said I'm not talking about it!"

"I know, but Bam, you really need to deal with this in a healthy way. What you're doing isn't good."

"I don't care! I don't want to "deal with this" right now. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to hear any of his music. I want to take down the HIM posters and that heartagram on the wall and whatever else has to do with Ville. I don't want to think about Ville, or be reminded of him in any way. Now please drop the subject."

"Why don't you want to face what happened? Why are you trying to avoid it at all cost?"

"Why do you think!" Tears started to fill his eyes "It hurts too much! I've had my heart broken before, but what Ville did to me… he broke my heart much worse than anyone's ever broken it. He betrayed me. And to make things worse he'll never be able to come back to make things right again. This is the absolute worst pain I've ever been in, in my entire life and I can't take it. And you're sitting here trying to get me to talk about it and keep my mind on Ville." He paused to wipe some tears away "Missy, when something's all ready been destroyed you don't try to keep breaking it some more."

"Bam… if you keep running from this you're never going to be able to move on and get better."

"You don't understand! There's nothing for me to move on to! And I'm not going to get better!"

Bam stood up and placed the ice cream on the couch. Without looking back at Missy, he went straight upstairs to his bedroom.


	5. Chapter 5

Part five

For a while I refused to open up to any one about Ville. I would even lash out at people for seemingly no reason. You just couldn't get me to function like a normal person. I quickly sank deeper into depression with very little hope of getting better. There were times where my depression was so bad where I seriously considered suicide and a way out. But then as I was thinking about it, I'd remember about Ville and get really pissed off and even more hurt. All I could think about in those moments was Ville and how he destroyed me, and then I didn't have the energy to think about taking my own life. This in a way is a good thing. Everyone else was trying to reach me but no one knew how. I didn't even know how to let them reach me. I admit that part pf me wanted to be helped but it was kind of a small part. There was one moment specifically that really got me to want help getting better.

The bathroom door was closed and locked. He sat on the edge of the bathtub with his head in his hands. On the floor in front of him was anything and everything he could find in the bathroom that he could swallow. He had been planning all morning to take his own life but now that he was locked in the bathroom with random pills and cleaning products, he started thinking through every detail in his suicide attempt. He was beginning to feel overwhelmed by the whole thing and wasn't sure if he could go through with it successfully.

His cell phone rang, causing him to lift his head and look around him. He took a shaky breath and took his phone out of his pocket and looked at the number. He let his phone ring one more time before he decided to answer it.

"Hey Bam. It's me."

"Marie… hey." He paused "What do you want?" He asked while trying to make it sound like nothing was wrong

"Well I was just thinking about you and…"

"What about me?" He cut her off

"Does that matter?"

"Maybe."

"Well just that you've been going through a very rough time for a while, and how I feel so bad that you are."

"You do?"

"Yeah of course I do. You're my friend and I care if my friends aren't doing well. And once you're hurting, it hurts me."

"Oh…"

Bam was a little stunned that she or any one else would care enough to all him out of the blue like that.

"I… Why did you call?"

"I had a bad feeling that something was wrong with you or was about to happen. Is everything ok, Bam?"

"… … No… I'm not ok right now. And I don't know what to do about it."

"Ok well what's wrong?"

"Everything." He sighed and paused for a few seconds "I want to get out of this life so bad…"

"Bam what are you saying?"

"I don't want the life I have right now. I can't stand anything in it. Everyone is trying to cheer me up, but what they're doing doesn't help at all. The only thing I think that can make me feel better is if I some how had a different life… I don't know that probably sounds crazy."

"You want to live some one else's life for a little while? Is that what you're saying?"

"I don't know… I just need to escape all the pain but I don't know how. Marie I've been sitting here in my bathroom with things in front of me that could easily kill me, and I've been thinking through everything and trying to decide just what to use to kill myself… I don't know what I'm doing, Marie… I don't even know what I want…"

Bam and Marie talked for a while over the phone. A lot of this time Marie was just listening to Bam talk, which was what Bam realized he needed at the time. He also realized that he was long overdue for a good outpouring of everything that was on his mind, and he was more than glad to do that with someone who just listened to him. It was something that he didn't have in months.

After he and Marie hung up, Bam looked around him at his surroundings. He slowly stood up and looked down at the things he was going to use to commit suicide with and then at his reflection in the mirror. It was the first time in a really long time that he actually took a look at himself. The image that reflected back to him was much like what he expected to see. He was a mess and looked very sad and distressed, and he had gained weight. When he looked at himself in the face he sighed. There was so much pain and unhappiness in his face but it still didn't match how he felt on the inside.

He put his hand on his reflection and looked down into the sink, unable to bear the sight of himself any longer. He knew that he needed to get what he saw in the mirror to change for the better. He also knew that before he could like what he saw on the outside, he was going to have to feel better about himself and his life. The first step, he thought, that he could do right then was put away the things he would have used to kill himself with. Once he did that he looked in the mirror one more time. He still didn't like what he saw but he was ready to fix the life he thought had been destroyed.


	6. Chapter 6

Part six

April and Phil heard about my almost attempt at committing suicide in the bathroom and they decided to sit down and talk with me. They were able to talk me into seeing a therapist, and led me to think that it would be the best thing for me. At the time I was a little skeptical, but I was reaching out for any help I could get. So I thought that my parents would know more about what I should do in this situation than I would, so I listened to them. At first I realized that maybe they were right about seeing a therapist; it did seem like the best idea that would help me out. But after a few sessions I started to feel like I didn't need a complete stranger talking to me about my problems, why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling, and what I can so to fix myself. I couldn't take it and convinced myself it wasn't helping and it was a complete waste of my time and money.

After I stopped seeing that therapist I spent about a month or so believing that there was no hope for me. Someone suggested one day that maybe I just wasn't seeing the right therapist, I was unsure about that because to me, even though I had only been to one, all therapists were going to be the same. But for everyone else I decided to look into another therapist. None of them that I saw struck me as anything spectacular or special in the very least so I decided to give up on therapy. In fact, I realized that the best therapist I ever had was my friend Marie. I talked to her and she told me that she once was in a similar situation that I was in, and it really does help to find the right therapist. She also told me about one that she went to, which really surprised me that someone like her had ever been in therapy before. I went to see this guy that she told me about and I was very surprised at how at ease I was talking to him.

It was Bam's second session with his new therapist. Bam was feeling a little more comfortable talking to him. Instead of lying down like a typical patient, Bam was sitting up in a comfortable position and talking straight to the doctor like he was one of his friends.

"You've told me a little bit of him, but why don't you tell me some more about Ville."

"What do you want to know?"

"Well just tell me what you're comfortable telling me about him. Like what was your friendship like?"

"Ok well…" Bam shifted in his spot a little "We were pretty close. He was one of my best friends. We were so close with each other that we weren't afraid to show, well I guess what you would call, affection towards each other. A lot of people saw us as, and joked about us being a couple. But it wasn't really like that. I guess you could say we loved each other, and he's probable the only guy I'd ever say that about, out loud anyway."

"You two were really comfortable with each other to where it didn't matter to the two of you if other people saw you as the homosexual couple."

"Exactly. Because we both knew the truth, and we were able to laugh about it with each other." He grinned "And we would even joke around, saying things like we should marry each other. But that was just for fun."

"I wouldn't normally go into something like this but, hypothetically, let's say that the two of you were alone together, you've been drinking for a while and you two started getting a little closer than usual. And then he leaned in to give you a kiss. Would you have let him?"

"Let him kiss me? I don't know… I guess maybe if I was drunk enough and didn't know what I was doing… I'd probably, maybe, let him kiss me… but I really don't think any thing else would happen after that. I mean that kiss probably would wake me up and I'd realize what just happened."

"But if he did kiss you, would you let it bother you?"

"No I don't think so. I mean, we'd be drunk at the time, right? It wouldn't hurt the relationship I don't think. We'd probably even laugh about it."

"Well it definitely sounds like, not only you two were comfortable enough with each other, but you were comfortable enough with yourselves."

"Well… yeah. That sounds right."

"Before you two were friends, you were a big fan of his, am I right?"

"Yes."

"Tell me how you felt about Ville from a fan's viewpoint."

"Ok well… The first time I ever say a picture of him, I was so taken by him. I wanted to learn everything there was to know about him. After a while I found myself, like, looking in the mirror or whatever and trying to look like he looked in pictures. I fell in love with him, and yeah I guess you could say I've always had a "man crush" on him. For a while I even wanted to be just like him. This is why I have some of the same tattoos that he had. Everyone said that I was obsessed with Ville and with HIM, and I suppose they were right to a certain point. I mean, I wasn't crazy obsessed about him or anything. I just loved Ville and the band so much; I bought their CDs, posters, and whatever else, just like any other fan."

Bam, although he was starting to feel happy, had a feeling on where the doctor was heading next. Even though he didn't really want to talk about what he thought was coming next, he prepared himself for it.

"Ok, Bam, it sounds like you two had a really good relationship with Ville. You've told me the good things about it, but tell me about how you felt when he died."

Bam paused and looked away from the doctor. He felt a lump in his throat and he tried to push it back before he could talk.

"How did I feel? I… I was shocked… I felt betrayed and hurt, and like he broke my heart. No, like he reached into my chest, ripped my heart out, tore it into a bunch of pieces and set them on fire right in front of me. I have never been more hurt than that before in my life." His lip began to tremble and his eyes welled up with tears "It's been… months since one of my best friends and biggest idols died… and I… I haven't gotten over it yet."

Bam covered his eyes as the tears began to fall. The doctor reached over to the small table in front of him and picked up the box of tissues before handing it to Bam. Bam plucked a tissue and wiped his eyes and then held it crumpled in his hand as he continued to cry.

"Bam it's okay, no one expects you to get over something like this right away. But you have to try to deal with something like this in a healthy way."

"It's too late for that."

"But you want to get better now, right?"

Bam sniffed "Uh huh."

"Well you're all ready on your way to getting better."

"Why do I still feel like shit then?"

"Bam you're not going to feel good after just two sessions of therapy. Healing is going to take some time; you're just beginning your recovery. Just let it take its course."

So that's what's been going on with me. Like I was saying earlier, I'm trying to get my life back on track. I'm still in therapy, which has helped me a lot. I've also lost some of the weight I gained, so now when I look in the mirror I'm starting to see myself again. Much of this has been so rough on me, as you now know, but things are getting much better for me.


End file.
